This is the honest side of surviving suicide
I’m angry today. I don’t know why. I’m angry at the world and at my dad and I want to yell and scream and kick something and have someone come and make it better for me. Except, the people who always made it better for me were my parents and now one of them isn’t fucking here to do that so as you can see it’s a vicious cycle and fuck I just want my life back the way it was.
I was just looking at something on Facebook and there was a link to a Suicide Survivors group and I clicked on it and just lost it at some of the posts there.
Like a post saying that all Suicide Survivors are heroes - fuck yes we are. Every death is hard but suicide has its own peculiarities, mostly due to the way that suicide is perceived. The stigma, the fucking ridiculous things people say, the idea that it’s cowardly or selfish or what the fuck ever.
Someone on the FB board said this:
Please don’t tell me he isn’t suffering anymore
I have not come to terms with why he had to suffer in the first place
That’s so, so, so much the fucking truth with me right now.
I have tears streaming down my face and I can’t really see the screen. I want someone to cuddle me, I want someone to tuck me up in bed while I sleep for a while, I want someone to turn the time back, I want to speak to my dad one more time, I want it to be this time last year so that at least we could have a few more weeks together, I want my dad to know my children, I want my mum to be happy, I want mental illness to not run in my family, I want mental illness to not exist en-fucking-tirely, I want to scream at the top of my voice that THE CURSE FUCKING STOPS HERE BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BE PART OF THE FUCKING FAMILY ~TRADITION BECAUSE IT FUCKING SUCKS, I want I want I want and I can’t fucking have and it’s so fucking unfair.
The group’s main page has this on:
“The time came when the pain it took to stay,
was greater than the pain it took to go”
I haven’t heard that before but it seems like such truth and almost so beautiful in its truth
Fuck why did this even happen?